i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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