My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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