And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
