...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
