dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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