I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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