Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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