I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
