I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
