Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
