I think I died a long time ago.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
