made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I think I just shit out all my problems.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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