Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
