either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
We left the knife in your bed.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
