I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
