i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
