I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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