thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
