I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Randomize
