Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
