Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
accomplished twins. life is a go
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
