It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
