she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
