so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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