I wish I could teleport
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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