Ambien. No doubt about it.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
