My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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