i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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