The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life