Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐