textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I would ride that face into the sunset
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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