I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Randomize
