Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
