I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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