I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
