I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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