I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You can't just leave with hair like that
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
