based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
