her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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