fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
