Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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