i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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