youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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