I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
