Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
