something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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