I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
It's blow job season.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
