I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
