WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
