Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
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It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
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Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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