My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
