Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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