You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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