i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
