i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
