Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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